God, Are You There?

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Faith is a gift.  I don’t have it.  I thought I had it.  But my gift seems to be more along the lines of doubt.

Maybe it was starting over in a new country or the reality of marriage or years of infertility or a recent miscarriage but it felt more like my faith was diminishing versus thriving.

But then I realized I’ve been redefining faith.  It doesn’t mean “you wish, therefore it is.”  Rather, faith “is the assurance of things hoped for, the conviction of things not seen.” (Hebrews 11:1)

I wanted to believe that if I had faith, I would then get what I requested.  And as disappointments increased, my faith began to decrease.  Why ask?  Why hope?  It only seemed to bring greater heartbreak.

Now as a parent, I see how limited faith is immature.  My son requests things and generally believes he will get them.  He also doesn’t understand when he doesn’t get what he asked for.

Similarly, I don’t understand the “No” or “Not now” and my confusion brings frustration, anger and doubt at times.  But I also know that He is with me, even more than I am present for my own little loved one.

“Yes, Cindy, I AM here.”

Photo by Cindy Haughey

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