Character.

Webster defines it as “one of the attributes or features that make up and distinguish an individual.”  I was always told character is who I am when no one is looking.

When I see what people endure here, I can’t help but further examine my own character.  If I describe it as the latter definition, I don’t have much.  Since moving to Honduras, I’ve tried various volunteering opportunities.  I’ve worked as a tutor and teacher at local private schools.  I’ve also worked with our sales team.  See?  It’s much easier to define ourselves by what we do which is why this season has been so difficult for me.  My work over the past 5 years has changed and nothing seems to click or stick.  Not to mention, I have felt like it’s been a journey of wearing someone else’s skin since I moved here.

So, this is why this season has been good for me.  Prior to moving out of the country, I prided myself in my successes and thrived on my achievements.  I drew energy from the compliments and accolades of others.  But here, I am no one……at least not for what I do.

It’s been over five years that I’ve wrestled with God on this.  I’ve begged Him for clarity and a chance to use my gifts and do what I love.  I’ve fought, I’ve stomped, I’ve cried, I’ve given up.  And now, years later, I’m finally ready to listen.  What I hear God saying (that He has been since I moved here) is that I am enough as I am.  I am His.  He cares more about who I am and my character within than what I do or what others see and the praise I receive.

Until now, I’ve pretty much viewed this as some kind of “timeout” that God has put me in, a punishment.  But He has shown me in the stillness and the quieter life here that He has given me a precious gift.  He has removed the glitter and fame of what I was so easily distracted by and put me in the quiet of His presence.  If only I treasured this sooner!

So who am I when no one’s looking?

I am the one whom God loves…no more, no less…based on what I do.